I do not have any close friend, I never had one. I do not think it is anyone’s fault, I try not depend anyone too much. May be I am afraid to depend too much to discover I was wrong. But then, what is friendship? Why do we need best friend? Why do seek a friend? can’t we do without friends?
I know how the feeling of being worthless stinks. But, I have felt worthless many times in life and every time for a different reason. Fear or rejection caused me the pain of feeling insignificant multiple times.
As human beings we all want to feel loved, wanted , significant. But can I get all those feeling if I am living alone in an island? Before I had enough gratitude in my mind I did not see what I know now. The sense of being insignificant when you realize you are here for a reason you are about to find out. At that point of time you stop seeking validation from others.
When I was young, I used to steal money from my parents so that we could buy balls to play with. No one else would bring in the money in table, neither could I, but I saw the opportunity to become significant. I had no skill in playing, I could not run faster, but I did what I could do.
On the last day of high school I realized the word “friend” is used very loosely. We use the word every now and then and do not really act like a friend when the so called friend is in need. Friendship is a word to cover jealousy, competition and worse of all companionship.
I might be wrong, but I define friendship as a partnership with commitment to stand by each other. And I was lucky enough to experience that in college life. When the library fined me, my friends went to library and negotiated to bring the fine down. Important thing to remember, nothing is done without motivation, my not-friends were insulting me on last day of high school for not scoring marks higher than them. They wanted to feel better or signification by making me look insignificant. And the friends in college wanted to feel significant by having my back.
Once I cracked the code and understood, what people do and why they do it, I have very low expectations from them. I do not expect anything from them, lower the expectations – lower the disappointment. But here is the thing, since I cannot expect any help from anyone, should I be helping them when then reach out to me? I think yes, giving selflessly boosts my confidence and self esteem. It makes me feel good about myself. I feel like I can help them out , because I am fortunate enough to have the ability or skill or help them out and I feel blessed because I can do without their help. But if I need anything some day, they would owe me one.
Anyway, any kind of relationship, be it friendship or anything else, is a 2 way street. There have to be a common goal to establish a friendship or partnership. It used to frustrate me, but over the time I have realized relationships have fundamental rules, weather I like it or not.
I used to hate to ask for help. People would think I am weak or not good enough if I ask for help. So I tried avoiding ask for help. Classic example of paralysis due to analysis. We often focus on pain, negative experiences in life. It is like, when we step on nail, our focus goes to the area of the foot that is hurting. I think our brain is built to focus on pain so that we avoid pain or those experiences next time.
My high school experience taught me not to get emotionally attached or get closer to anyone, but then college taught me some are better than others, so we should have an open mind.
I do not regularly contact my school or college friends. Thanks to facebook I get enough update from their life though. I do not want tell my how crappy or exciting my life is. I do not like to share what is going on in my life. The people I regularly interact with are my co-worker. Although I try to help out anyone who reach out to me. Helping others is in my nature. And I do not expect any thing in return. I am and try to remain independent. May be this nature of mine causes limited scope to find friends.